Twiford: Edible lube ranked worst to best

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"Happy Valentine’s Day. Be safe, use lube." - Photo via Abigail Twiford

Before I get into it, an important bit of context is that I work at a local adult retail store, also known as a sex shop. 

As a symptom of this, I have tasted a lot of different flavors of lube, because sometimes I get bored at work and go to the lube display to taste every variation with an open tester bottle available to me. 

Of course, I haven’t tried even close to the full spectrum of flavored lubes, but I have tried the most common flavors from the most common brands, making me qualified to rank and review each kind. And with Valentine’s Day right around the corner, there’s no better time to give my opinions than now. 

Disclaimer: This is only a review of the flavor itself. The actual efficacy of them as lubricants I cannot fully speak to, though they are all water-based, and therefore capable with latex condoms and adult toys of all kinds. 

The worst flavor of lube is cinnamon bun from the brand Wicked. The flavor profile doesn’t have anything that mimics the taste of cinnamon. It just tastes generically sweet, but in a sickly way where your stomach hurts from just smelling it.

The second worst flavor is JO’s mojito flavor. The taste is overpowering and generally unpleasant. Tasting even a small amount made my brain short-circuit. The scent alone filled my nostrils like a noxious gas. Worst of all, this one has an aftertaste that lingers. 

Most alcohol or cocktail-flavored lubes are flops from JO’s, with pina colada also being overly artificial and nauseatingly overpowered in both scent and taste. The champagne flavor is boring, bland, and doesn’t taste like much of anything at all. It’s truly not worth anyone’s time. The only cocktail flavor that translates well is the sex on the beach variation. It tastes tropical, sweet, and fresh, without carrying a strong aftertaste. It’s the only alcoholic beverage flavor that can be recommended in good conscience.

Wicked’s Simply line’s brown sugar flavor is also deeply uninteresting, though it isn’t bad. It’s sweet in a pleasant way, but still nothing to write home about. It’s good if you’re looking for a lubricant that’s subtle and sweet without too much fuss, but if you’re looking for something that will really take things up to the next sensory level, this is not the one for you.

Fruit flavors are common among all brands, with the most common being strawberry, watermelon, and peach. Wicked has the best peach flavor, tasting real and natural with no aftertaste. JO has a solid peach flavor as well, but it’s just not quite to the same standard. JO’s watermelon is the best option for that particular flavor, and Wicked has the best strawberry variant. 

JO’s best fruit flavors overall are tropical and pineapple. Tangy, sweet, vibrant, and distinct from most other types available on the market, these flavors are definitely worth a try. 

Skins brand of lube’s best flavor is mango passionfruit, being strong and vibrant but not too intense flavor. The strawberry and watermelon from their line are decent too, though they are a little lackluster. 

For a more unique take on fruit, Wicked Simply’s pear flavor is a great option, with most other brands not carrying the flavor at all, or not doing it nearly as well if they do. 

JO’s best flavor is chocolate-covered strawberries. The chocolate flavor hits first, tasting smooth and realistic, followed by a zing of strawberry flavoring. The only thing that keeps this particular flavor from the top spot is that it can only be purchased with the champagne flavor, which as I previously mentioned, is just dull. 

The best flavor is Wicked Simply’s passionfruit. The smell is good, the taste is clean and smooth, and it tastes like real fruit. It is also a better value than the chocolate-covered strawberry lube, as it can be bought in more than one size and is not paired with a mediocre variation. 

Happy Valentine’s Day. Be safe, use lube.

For comments/questions about this story, DM us on Instagram @thewhitatrowan or email thewhit.opinioneditor@gmail.com.

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