-Graphics Editor/Amanda Palma

Dear Keys,

How have you been? I’ve thought about you lately because I can’t find you. I know I had you in my hands when I opened the door last night, yet this morning, you were nowhere in sight. Where did you go? It’s not like you’re hard to find – you’re not camouflaged. You’re both silver and safely secured onto the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers lanyard I purchased at GameStop. You can’t get more colorful than that. I’m talking the black, red, pink, blue, yellow and green rangers. I shopped specifically for you. I want you to look good. I care for you.

So why do you hide from me? Are you concerned with a lack of attention? How can you turn away from me when I take you everywhere? You are in my hand when I leave, you turn on my car and you sit snug in my pocket in the meantime.

Oh, I get it. You want to play games. Is that it? Let me tell you something, Keys, life is not a game. I have places to be. I am on a time budget.

And searching for you is as dramatic as looking for the Holy Grail. Not only do I have to retrace my steps, but I have to retrace them again. Do you realize how frustrating it is to walk back and forth with your head down? I’m talking major head pains, which lead to shoulder soreness, and ultimately knee fatigue. You know the song, right? “Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes?” Yes, my toes were next to hurt! You know what was after that? Knees and toes, knees and toes.

The body pain is the least of my problems. I become a grumbling moaner by getting the case of the “I knows.” I know I had you in my hands. I know I opened the door last night. I know I’m not crazy. If my family is unfortunate enough to be around during your little Carmen Sandiego excursion, they can’t talk to me because all I can say is I know! Speaking of family, I put them to work. Yeah, I make them help in the search; and in the morning, no one wants to look for keys. So now I have to hear complaints: “Where was the last place you had them?” “Why are you always losing your keys?” “This is the last time I’m helping you.” So now I’m stressed out because you’re causing chaos.

And while I’m walking with an achy head, busted toes and an earful of whining, I can envision what you’re doing…laughing. Oh yeah, you’re laughing at me from wherever you’re hiding – no, lurking.

You lurk.

You watch.

You enjoy.

Keys…you are evil. Truly evil. Why aren’t there more warnings given when you enter the lives of people? Someone has to say, “be careful, keys can destroy lives.” I hope that when you read this letter, you’ll consider changing your ways.



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