Sex Column: Farewell

The semester is coming to a close, and I will be leaving my loves behind for the great unknown that is post-grad. We’ve had our ups and downs, but it has been an experience I will never forget.

I’m sorry, but I’m breaking up with you, Rowan. Breaking up is never a comfortable thing. You never know how the other party is going to react. I’m usually one to try and work things out as best as possible, but sometimes you know it’s the end. Before you break the news to your soon-to-be ex, there are some things that you need to ask yourself.

Why do you feel that you should end the relationship? Is this logical? Do you want to remain friends? Does your partner have the tendency to overreact? And most importantly, what Taylor Swift song best represents what is going on?

Everyone says that they want to remain friends, but that can’t always happen. Relationships may become too complicated and, yes, people can change. If your partner is one to overreact, I don’t advise breaking up in a very public place. They will make a scene. A big one. Think along the lines of either Legally Blonde or Carrie from Sex and the City. Also, do tell one other person what is going to happen in private, so if you aren’t heard from, they can call the authorities.

Just remember that breaking up is for the best. It’s going to hurt and you may become disoriented, but your wounds will eventually heal, just like a head wound.

As for us? Well, It’s been real, Rowan.

I will miss what we’ve had, but it’s time to move on. Maybe one day we’ll meet again. Until then, I leave you with this last bit of advice: don’t just listen to the head between your legs, listen to the one between your ears. And orgasms are your friends. Never forget that.

Laura Elizabeth Donnelly is a graduating Writing Arts Major. She is breathing into a paper bag to ward off panic attacks right now.