Crime Log

April 19, 10:47 p.m. and 11:07 p.m. – Lot W

An intramural softball game became dangerous when students, who were obviously taking some kind of steroid and/or human growth hormones, launched two monster home runs over the fence and shattered the windshields of two cars.

It is unclear if the team with a fondness for hitting red four-door cars won the intramural championship, but it’s safe to say they are feared, especially by people who intend to park in Lot W in the future. Parking spots are scarce on this campus, you know.

April 24, 6:43 p.m. – Esby Gym

A basketball game turned violent during a tournament over the weekend when two females got into a fight in the middle of a game.

One of the females elbowed and punched the other in the face, causing severe bruising. While the elbows thrown are understandable–posting up in the paint can get a little bit tricky–the whole punching thing is obviously a flagrant foul.

The perp fled the scene with her parents after the incident, which makes sense; she would have been ejected with a double-technical foul anyway.

The victim stayed around with her teammates and parents, who took pictures of the battle scars for the scrapbook.

Obviously she needed to rehydrate with some Gatorade, cool off in the air conditioned car and get ready for a one on one game with Gilbert Arenas.

Haven’t these girls seen “Love and Basketball”?

BRAWLIN’.