Sex Column: The Power of Consent
March 3, 2010 by Laura Donnelly
Filed under Opinion
Consent goes so much further than saying yes or no. Do we need to focus so much on the negative? Instead of no meaning no, I hope to live in a world where yes means yes.
Honestly, I feel there is no way to convey my feelings on this subject other than to share my own story. Yes, I was raped. I’m not going into what exactly happened because that is information that to this day I still cope with.
I will say this: if you ask my attacker, he will say he did nothing wrong. Why? He said, “I can’t really think that logically when I’m in that situation.” I put that in quotes because I will remember that for the rest of my life. He believed he was entitled to sex because we were dating, despite the fact that I said to stop.
When I told my mother of the assault, she responded with, “Well, you should’ve known what you were getting yourself into going over there.”
And that’s where I get angry.
We live in a victim-blaming culture. The second that a woman or man says that they’ve been raped, we have to know everything: where; how many times; with what; where on your body; did you know your attacker; was it really rape?
Nobody asks or deserves to be raped. It does not matter if the victim was drinking or dressed in a provocative manner. The fact that we automatically seem to not believe the victim just perpetuates the cycle of violence.
More and more, people do not report their rape due to embarrassment or fear of persecution. On a college campus 90 percent of victims will never report their attack according to the Journal of American College Health. But in this culture, do you blame them? People seem more interested to call in a false rape accusation or try to convince the victim that what they experienced wasn’t really rape. After all of that, it is almost as though they are violated again.
Why is this? We assume. We assume that the girl in the short skirt is a slut. We assume that consenting to drink is consenting to have sex. According to crisisconnectioninc.org, men are more likely than women to assume that a woman who drinks alcohol on a date is a willing sex partner. What’s worse, 40 percent of men who think this way also believe it is acceptable to force sex on an intoxicated woman. Maybe instead of assuming that the drunk woman was lying about being raped, we should possibly think that the man was lying about her consent.
Consent is such a delicate yet important matter that we can’t afford to assume any more. Even if your partner consents to stripping down and fooling around, that doesn’t consent to actual intercourse. We aren’t at an advanced stage in human development where we can read each others’ minds. If your partner asks or tells you to stop, you need to respect their wishes. You have no idea what is going on inside of their head.
Many who I discuss this extremely sensitive matter with respond with how a man can be wrongfully imprisoned even though “he just did what normal college guys do.” We need to stop thinking that a man who will take any opportunity for sex, whether or not it is wrong, is exhibiting acceptable behavior. To pity these rare cases as though they were the norm only enables the problem.
According to the National Crime Victimization Survey in 2000, only 16 percent of rapes reported to the police nationally (which is 1/3 or less to begin with), resulted in prison sentences. Therefore, a man who rapes only ends up in prison approximately 5 percent of the time. Let me repeat this: there is a 95 percent chance he will get away with it.
If you have read any of my other columns, you would know that I am not naïve about what happens on campus. I know that there are parties, drinking and a lot of gray areas. I respond with what I said earlier: consent goes so much farther than “no means no.” If the person you’re about to have sex with is acting in a way he or she would never normally act, take a moment to think about what you are going to do.
If your partner is only saying yes because you are coercing them into having sex, I’m sorry, but that is rape according to the definition provided by the Department of Justice. Read into the situation that you’re in. More often than not, your gut will tell you what to do.
I don’t like to complain about a problem without offering a solution, so my solution is this: communication. Start talking about these attacks without judgment. Start talking about what constitutes consent before asking for it.
Even more, we need to start teaching this to our kids. Teach our girls to stand up for themselves, not be ashamed and take pride in their bodies and actions. Teach boys about not being so impulsive and thinking out their actions. Teach everyone about respect.
We need to stop thinking that these things are “okay.” Rape jokes on “Family Guy” and those t-shirts saying “No means no, unless I’m drunk” are not “okay.” Honestly, grow up.
Enough of this “boys will be boys” excuse. Boys shouldn’t be allowed to have sex. That is a privilege reserved only for men.
This column was written in response to an Op-ed written in “The Daily Princetonian” on rape and accountability. Laura Donnelly is a senior writing arts major.
This is beautifully written. I am sorry that you had to go through what you did, but I am so happy that you can use your experience to enlighten others.
This is a bunch of feminist bullshit. It’s obvious you have a hatred for men. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard women say they got drunk and had sex with a guy, got embarrassed, and then claimed he raped her instead of admit that she’s a drunken whore. If a woman is stupid enough to dress like a whore, get wasted, and then go into a room with a guy alone, then “I’m sorry” but there is some responsibility on her part. You also say that just because a girl is fooling around with someone it doesn’t mean she wants sex. BULL-FUCKING-SHIT. You cheapen actually rape. And why the hell do girls like you feel it necessary for everyone to know you were ‘raped’? According to you, the only possibly way sex is OK is if a girl and guy spontaneously jump on each other with no prior arousal. Have you ever heard of foreplay or playing hard to get? You are one dumb bitch I’ll tell you what.
Thank you, Wilmer and Craig, for proving the point made in the article.
Being a female I can say that I am a firm believer in “no means no”. That being said…
When any girl starves for attention enough from males by wearing the shortest dress or lowest cut shirt in her closet, then goes out, parties (or chills), starts hooking up with a guy, follows him to his room, strips down and keeps the foreplay going…
This girl does not get to be surprised when things progress into sex. When a girl puts herself in an obvious situation where things WILL happen (because there comes a time..like when you are naked in a boy’s bed) it is common sense that something will happen. If a girl does not want to have sex with a guy…don’t objectify yourself with next to nothing clothing, don’t get trashed without people looking out for you, don’t follow a guy into his room, and don’t get naked.
If a girl doesn’t want sex…don’t act like you do. Protect yourself. Respect yourself. And use some common sense.
Again…it is never right when a guy keeps pushing after a girl says no…but the girl doesn’t get to be shocked when she loses control of a situation.
Hello Craig,
I thought I should let you know that according to reports in 2004 by the department of justice, false rape allegations only make up less than 8% of rape reports.
I have heard of playing hard to get and foreplay. Actually, there might be some underlying problems if you believe alcohol is the only means of achieving that.
Also, in regards to, “And why the hell do girls like you feel it necessary for everyone to know you were ‘raped’?” Remember when I said that we need to start talking about this? Maybe you should read the full article before throwing around allegations of me being a “dumb bitch.” Thanks.
-Laura Elizabeth
Janine, while I understand your argument, it still does not allow a guy to force sex on someone who does not want it. I’m sorry, but that is the bottom line.
Craig,
It’s quite obvious you have a lot of growing up to do and you really are making other men look bad with those kinds of remarks.
It is no crime for a woman to put on an outfit that she knows she looks good on. Doesn’t matter if YOU think its trashy or ‘whorish’ or anything for that matter. If a woman looks good in a short skirt, so be it. She may even WANT to be seen as attractive. BUT showing others that you are attractive is NOT consent or comparable to giving consent for sex. If she is clearly intoxicated, there is no reason why you as a man, can’t take control of the situation and understand the risks involved and get yourself out of the situation.
And YES, a man and a woman can have OTHER sexual interaction and not WANT actual intercourse. That may be a shock to you but I suggest you wise up to that before you find yourself as a defendant in a rape case.
In regards to women telling everyone that they were raped, if anything, it raises awareness. Whether you agree or disagree, perhaps because you’ve read this article, the next time you find yourself in a similar situation you may think twice before forcing yourself on to someone, drunk or sober.
P.S. It’s one thing to share your opinion. There is nothing wrong with not agreeing with what you read here. But to then start to call the author a “dumb bitch” and such, that is just immature. This is a pretty serious topic of debate, why not try having a clean adult conversation?
Thank you Wilemr, Craig, and Janine for being part of the problem.
Craig, by your logic if you kiss someone that automatically means you want to have sex. Also, according to you, anytime a girl gets drunk she is really saying “it is okay to rape me.” I know thats what I’m saying every time I drink.
Janine, I understand that women need to be careful when they’re out drinking, but you cheapen your argument with “If a girl doesn’t want sex…don’t act like you do” That’s just it, you don’t have to act like you do. Have you heard of date/acquaintance rape by any chance? You don’t have to be drunk to get raped.
All in all, victim blaming is disgusting. Even more disgusting is how rape is seen as nothing more than a joke on this campus. It sickens me how lightly rape is viewed at Rowan. Unless I hide in my room all day I can’t go through the day without hearing a rape joke. I can only hope that one day, rape will actually be seen as a serious, traumatic event and we can get away from victim blaming and start to solve the problem.
I believe my message has been taken the wrong way.
I said I am a strong believe of no means no. Bottom line.
The argument I was attempting to present is that girls who do all of the things I wrote about act shocked and surprised when it happens to them. Stereotypes are something that are consistently followed on college campuses. Girls should use common sense to protect themselves. The guy is never in the right to continue after a girl says no. I thought I made that part of my argument clear.
Im not trying to argue for all different kinds of cases of rape. So please don’t put words in my mouth. I am only talking about the girls who wear next to nothing, drink to much (or maybe even not at all), lead a guy on, get him all hot and bothered, strip down to nothing in his bed, and then expects to keep total control of the situation. Because many times girls do lose control. And that is just common knowledge. College BOYS are immature and don’t think before they act. If girls just considered all of the stereotypes and common sense knowledge that they know, then 9 times out of 10 they will be able to protect themselves from this crime.
So:
1. NO MEANS NO. A guy who doesn’t listen to no is NEVER right to do what he does.
2. However, if a girl doesn’t protect herself, how can she be shocked when something happens?
Janine,
I do see and respect where you are coming from. Sadly, both men and women take too much for granted. Also, many people think that common sense is enough when each person has a different belief on what common sense is. I advocate that everyone start talking so that we won’t have to rely on “common sense” when it comes to it. What do you advocate? I’m honestly curious.
I see that you seem to to think that girls should start taking more responsibility in these situations, which I can see someone suggesting (and please correct me if I’m wrong). One thing you said that sticks out to me is that “College BOYS are immature and don’t think before they act.” What do you think that we as a society, or men themselves can do so that they do start thinking before they act?
-Laura Elizabeth
Craig, I know you’re a smart guy — why would you go around typing an argument ignorant and ill-thought out? And the ad hominem attacks? Really?
I appreciate the article, but the thing which to me is most sad is that there needs to be a featured column for this. One might think that in our advanced civilization sexual respect would be an essential and universally understood part of our ethical system.
The things described in this article ARE NOT rape! If a guy has sex with you drunk, that is NOT rape. If a guy talks you into having sex, that is NOT rape! Clearly, it is your fault because YOU let it happen. Maybe you shouldn’t have gone out with the guy in first place if you really didn’t know him!
Jen